Here's to your health.
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM - MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 75 to 550 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Surface usually covered with a painted film. 2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if incorrectly used. 5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. 2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason. 4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol. 5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES: 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. 2. Can be a great aid to relaxation. 3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. 2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. 2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET - MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET MEN: A Chemical Analysis
ELEMENT: MAN
SYMBOL: Ego
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs.
OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others. 2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense. 3. Melts if treated like a God. 4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. 5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. 6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element. 2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened. 3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking. 4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. 5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers. 6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. 7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6. 8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness. 9. Is impervious to embarrassment. 10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.
