A good bye

One of the many. It is a little weird to sit here and write this, but this is my catharsis place. As much as I would love not to need this, it seems the only place where I can really let loose. Just like screaming into a pillow, but without the screaming and without the pillow. :)) (This is part of "letters to my unnamed lover", so bear with it.)

You know me, I am a romantic by nature. It is not an unknown fact, I loved you. I still do, and, probably, always will. I don't think I have it in me to utter the words "I hate you", no matter what you might have done. Or what you haven't done. I might feel the way I feel about you, but if it isn't reciprocated, it is like a fire burning out. Though you might have a kindling of affection towards me, it is not enough. I live, breathe and thrive on this fire. 

Just to give you an idea, I dare to say I am willing to dive straight into hell for the one I love. For some reason, it seems to me, this scares the living daylights out of you. Apparently, the concept of self-sacrifice is one of the things you are unfamiliar with. And I no longer have the patience to explain it to you, as you see it as a waste of time.  Damned be the individualistic mind set of the present.

Again, you know me, if there is one thing that I might list as my biggest weakness, that thing is Beauty. And, my dear, you know it yourself, you are very beautiful. Nowadays, we are surrounded by beautiful people.  But, as some know, for most, beauty is skin deep. A nice shell doesn't mean the soul is as beautiful. Need I say how your soul looks to me, with your way of thinking? Always blaming others for your own shortcomings,  always in someone's face or with your teeth sunk in someone's throat. Who said "Don't judge a book by its covers" knew what he/she was 

Like I said, I love you and always will, but it will not be Love. I won't go into the Agape/Eros debate, because I know you will not understand it. 

I think I will leave this letter unfinished. No reason why I will not finish it, just won't. I will probably be back, sometime. but not soon.

Suicidal dream

Suicidal dream... I had one of those. Just one, a couple years ago. But it kept repeating itself over and over. Picture this: a very high place, me, on the very edge, and you, my dear, just a couple of feet away. I think you get where I'm getting from here. In a situation you would, undoubtably, hate.

The question is not whether I would jump or not (in my dreams, i don't have any control over my actions, i am just another spectator), but whether you would do something about it or not. Would you push me off the edge, or, should I jump, would you jump after me? In the simplest of terms, would you kill me? Let me die? Or would you save me?

This is a very old dream, but, somehow, it resurfaced recently. My little suicide dream. Thanks, in part, to you.

Fuck You!!!

I quit! I quit giving a flying fuck about you! I quit trying to be the nice guy! The one who cares about those around him. About his so called "friends" and about his so called "family". I don't have either. Both are different sides of what you might call "relationship". And I was supposed to be the Aspergerian one. So FUCK YOU!
You know, a "relationship" means its members need to take part in the interaction. All of its members need initiate it at some point.
Except for a few, I am the only one who calls. be it my "friends", be it my "family". Apparently, if I give a crap about either, I am seen as the weak one. Know what, I don't exist only when you need me to. My "friends" call me only if they need something, my "family" only call to brag. Well, congratz and fuck off!
So, let me reitterate it: FUCK YOU!

Letter to my unknown lover II

The world is a weird place. We thrive on wealth, bought happiness, fleeting moments of lust. Too big of a difference between what we read in the books and what really goes on in real life. Few people would accept someone who would be ready to sacrifice anything and everything for a purpose or, better yet, for a person. Hell, few would actually do that.

And yet, here I stand. Damned by my upbringing! Not that I don't want to stand by those words, but it seems to me that I am the last of a dying breed, a breed which was once noble. Is dreaming of a better world such a crime? Is trying to make it better, one little step at a time, such a friggin crime? In most eyes, yes. Because it doesn't put food on the table, because it doesn't make me rich, because of the fact that it follows values that have lost their meaning in today's world.

Usually, when they're young, girls dream of being princesses, of a knight in shining armour on a white horse. Well, they did in a time not too long ago. Nowadays, after doing a little bit of growing up, all they want is looks, money, seeing their name in lights, you name it. They won't go for respect or faithfulness, not to mention love. They usually return in the arms of those who hurt them, not those who would protect them, even from themselves, if need be.
You can tell me I am wrong, but you will have to prove it.

again, instead of a farewell, I leave you with these two.

Everything I do


and

I would do anything for love

A letter to my unknown lover

Hello, my dear.
It has been a while. Dunno why I am so reluctant to write this letter. Maybe because I know you might reject it, without even reading the first word. Or maybe I am just a little bit paranoid.

I wish I could curse the day I started to be conscious of my feelings. No one taught me where the limit should be. If I feel something for someone, be it love or hate, I tend to give it all to that particular feeling. I am a friggin decalibrated Libra - there is no middle way with me. No compromise...

Do I like you? The answer is, still, yes. Do you like me? I think so.
Do I love you? To some extent, yes. Do you love me? I honestly don't know. I certainly hope so.
Do I hate you? I might be tempted to say yes, just because you, my dear, make me see the dark side in me. But that is just bullshit. I want to be better, if not for my sake, for you.
I honestly don't wanna turn into this guy (search for Dr. Horrible for the full show, it is worth it).

The problem is, though you might be far away from me (be it in distance or in thought), you still are present in my dreams. While you may borrow more faces than one, you are still the same.

From my point of view, I will be always waiting, always hoping, always here, for you. Just as this guy.

It's official. I am an Idealist

if you want to find out what you are, here is the test .

Your Keirsey Temperament Sorter Results indicates that your personality type is that of the Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials. Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things. Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds. Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers. Idealists at Work Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. They are naturally drawn to working with people and are gifted with helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potential both on, and off, the job. Conscience looms large for you; in almost any situation, you feel compelled to measure yourself, other people, and the conditions of the environment against your personal morality. You have a tendency to perceive questions of meaning in even trivial matters and to worry about far-flung consequences of your actions. In your ideal job, you are free to pursue depth rather than breadth and quality rather than quantity. You feel rewarded when your projects and daily tasks allow you to immerse yourself in your process as deeply as you "need to" in order to satisfy your inner standards of quality. You are uncomfortable with the notion of authority per se and may avoid leading, as well as being led, either consciously or unconsciously. As you experience them, adhering to fixed roles and rules amounts to an abdication of your responsibility to exercise your conscience.

Of life and love

It took me a while, but I am back. My head kept spining because of certain people, whom shall not be named, for privacy's sake. 
And in this past month, I finally had time to put my mind in order. And it got me to this conclusion. If you know me, you can easily figure out that I feel love and I need love. However, due to my dear old grandpa (now deceased) I have a somewhat weird and misplaced conception of love. At least, how love is viewed nowadays. He was a protestant pastor and one his sermons kinda stuck to me: Here you have the text discussed. (Aici varianta in limba romana)
If you know me, you know I tend to obsess about some girls (how the hell do you think my poems got written?). However, my dear, it is not the person I am obsessed with, but with the image I project upon said person. Read the poems and find out what I am talking about.
I should say that I am in love with love itself. 
Should you strike me special, then my love is directed towards you. No matter how it is, accepted or rejected, my heart will still hold you close. It is not that I don't feel hatred towards people (God knows I have a mile long black list). But in matters of love, it's live and let live.
One more thing. Due to this perspective on life and love, I seem to be considered either a little Romeo (should I obsess over only one - fate included) either a little Casanova (should I chase multiple birds). Not my intention. Like I said, I need to feel the love described in the text I gave you a little earlier.

Now, I leave you with this clip and these words: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love.

Nightwish - While your lips are still red

Autism Spectrum Quotient

I am tired. Tired of all the nonesense, of the preaching and of what you call self victimization. So I wound up searching and buffing up the defence for my condition. Not that I want to show you were wrong, but to prove for my own peace of mind that I was right about it. I am talking about my Asperger's syndrome. 

I came across a test devised by a Cambridge Psychologist named Simon Baron-Cohen, for the Autism Spectrum Quotient (you can find the test here).

And here are the results we have all been waiting for: (drum roll please)

The test assesses five different areas. Autistic-like responses will show poor social skill, attention switching, communication and imagination, and an exaggerated attention to detail. In other words, geekiness. You scored 32. The ranking below provides some idea of where that AQ fits in.

	Score
	32 - 50	Scores over 32 are generally taken to indicate Asperger's Syndrome or high-functioning autism, with more than 34 an "extreme" score.
	31
	30
	29
	28
	27
	26
	25
	24	Average math contest winner
	23
	22
	21	Average male or female computer scientist
	20
	19	Average male scientist, and average male or female physicist
	18	Average man
	17	Average female scientist
	16
	15	Average woman, and average male or female biologist
	14
	13
	0 - 12

Tarotsss

Took two tarot card tests :-). here you have both tests' results.

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

and

I Am

Which tarot card are you?
Spiritual enlightenment, inner illumination, hidden power. Link between seen and unseen. Balance of positive and negative forces. Receptivity. Unseen guidance.
A young woman sits on a throne holding a scroll labeled "Tora" meaning "law." On her breast is the sign of the meeting of heaven and earth, the Maltese cross. Her crown is the full orb supported by horns, the crown ofthe Mother Goddess Isis, who rules all things changeable, shown by the moon at her feet. Her power, upon which her throne rests, derives from the creative principle of duality, shown by the two pillars of light and darkness. To those who know and love her she dispenses the sweet fruit of the world itself, symbolized by the pomegranites.

Kinda contradictory, right? well. test yourself and see what's your tarot card.

SCREAM

HEY! YOU! YES, YOU! THE ONE READING THIS POST! UNLESS YOU HAVE BEEN SENT THIS POST, YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS WITH THIS, SO, YOU CAN LEAVE NOW. YUP, BUH BYE, C YA LATER.



I KNOW, THIS IS ALL CAPS... YES, I ALREADY TOLD YOU I KNOW. AND YES I KNOW I AM SCREAMING WRITING LIKE THIS, BUT I AM LACKING A BETTER FORM TELLING THIS.

I AM DYING OVER HERE! SLOWLY, BUT DYING BIT BY BIT. I DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL I ALWAYS GET THIS WRONG AND HOW I ALWAYS SEEM TO TURN UP JUST BEING YOUR FRIEND. MY FOLKS ALWAYS TOLD ME "OLD FASHIONED, WELL MANNERED, ROMANTIC" GETS THE GIRL, BUT THEY GOT IT WRONG. NOWADAYS YOU NEED TO BE AS INDIFFERENT AND AS RUDE AS POSSIBLE. SHOW EMOTION AND YOU ARE DISQUALIFIED. EMOTION IS FOR... LOSERS?

AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE, I DON'T HAVE THE BENEFIT OF HAVING A PACK TO WATCH MY BACK. THEREFOR, I AM AS PARANOID AS I CAN BE WHEN IT COMES TO APPROACHING YOU OR ANY OF YOUR KIND. AND WITH GOOD REASON. EVERYTIME I START TALKING TO YOU OR ANY OTHER GIRL, I SEEM TO GET INTERRUPTED.

TODAY, SOMEONE TOLD ME I AM "SWEET". LIKE HELL, I AM GETTING TIRED OF THIS. PLAY BY THE RULES AND YOU GET TAGGED WITH THIS LABEL. SWEET = NAIVE. HELL NO. IT IS CALLED BY ANOTHER NAME. (READ OLDER POSTS IN THE SAME CATEGORY TO FIGURE IT OUT).

NOW, WHEN YOU CONFIDE IN ME, TELLING ME YOU LIKE SOMEONE ELSE, WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT DOES FOR MY (already chipped) SELF-IMAGE? ADD ONE MORE TO THE "JUST FRIENDS" LIST.

HELL NO.

THE POST MAY END HERE, BUT THE STORY DOES NOT.

"Personality Traits by Birth Month"

Yup. What you are about to read is absolutely true. Now, if you think there is something missing, feel free to comment.

This is my result from the "Personality Traits by Birth Month" from Facebook.

Loves to chat
Loves those who loves him
Loves to takes things at the centre
Attractive and suave
Inner and physical beauty
Does not lie or pretend
Sympathetic
Treats friends importantly
Always making friends
Easily hurt but recovers easily
Bad tempered
Selfish
Seldom helps unless asked
Daydreamer
Very opinionated
Does not care of what others think
Emotional
Decisive
Strong clairvoyance
Loves to travel, the arts and literature
Soft-spoken, loving and caring
Romantic
Touchy and easily jealous
Spendthrift and easily influenced
Easily lose confidence

Friendship - no such thing.

This is a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants post. Not intended, nor planned, nor thought through in the least. It is just something I wanted to say in a while and I forgot that this was the way to say it.
WARNING. This may hurt some of you.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

I heard that friendship is an important thing if you wanna go through this life relatively unscathed (safe, for all you moronic readers). But are there any true friends? Is there someone who would you sacrifice something for? The answer is NO. Everyone wants more, be it money, power, sex, or anything else you can think of.

I thought I had to be someone like this - a friend of all and a friend for all. But a one-way friendship is no friendship at all. Trust should be important, but too much trust is equal to being gullible. And I tended to give a little too much trust.
I really hate this.

Recently, I heard something like this : There are no friends in life, only acquaintances. I am certain that this is right. I have a lot of the latter, but few of the former. Need I call my so-called friends, they are always busy or just don't wanna talk. I have a test for these friends. And they always failed - I don't give any sign of life for a very long time and I wait to see if they will be looking for me.



I am surrounded by perpetual darkness and all I can see is a far-away light. All I need is a guide.

Update (II)

It is almost half a month since the campaign ended. I think I owe you another update.
WE WON!!! Here you have a picture from the night of the election.



Actually it is a half a win, but it is a necessary evil.
If you are a politics-hungry nut, what do you think of the current left wing-right wing coalition?

A little update

I know, I know, I haven't posted anything in a while, but I've been busy :-).
So, here are some of the things I've been doing:

- I entered the Conflict Analysis and Resolution Master's Programme at the International Relations Department.

- I started my Russian lessons (I feel like being back in 1st Grade, with the Russian alphabet).

- I have signed up with the Student Organization of the Democratic-Liberal Party and I will be working on the parliamentary campaign for Vasile Blaga and Elena Udrea. (Cristina, don't kill me. I know I promised to steer clear of the internal politics and political affiliations, but this is a move I had to make Now.)

- I've been looking for a publisher crazy enough to publish my Licence Paper (a.k.a. The Evolution of the Arab-Israeli Peace Process). If you know one, pls write it in the comments section.

Well. That's about it. Good luck to each and every one of you.

PS: If you were expecting a poem, I started several, but haven't finished one in a couple of months now. Help!

Personality Disorder Test Results

Hahaha. And you thought I was normal... Wrong. Everyone is a wee bit deranged. And here is where I stand.

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||| 46% Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 70% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||| 78% Antisocial |||||||||||||| 54% Borderline |||||||||||||||| 62% Histrionic |||||||||| 38% Narcissistic |||||||||||||||| 66% Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 62% Dependent |||||||||| 38% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 30%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

This is who I am...

Everyone knows I act "differently" in social circumstances. I am, from what I heard from people I know, a weird person. That's what they see me like. Not that I mind it, but it tends to get a little lonely.



About 7 months ago, I met a person with a kid who had Asperger's Syndrome. Our discussion made me want to research this issue a little further. And everything I found out about it fits like a glove. And why would I be embarrassed by who I am.

This guy, although a little younger than me, explains it in simple terms:


Maybe this will help you understand me a little better.

PS: I don't want special treatment, all I want is for you to understand who I am.
PPS: His case does not apply entirely to me.